Dear Steven,
I was in the toilet today, doing what you do in the toilet. You know? Training Robert the Squirrel to flush after himself. I was sitting there and my attention got drawn towards this bright, shiny nut on the top of the pipe. It was almost hypnotic. I could see everything in the room reflected in it and it looked so cool and perfect. I wanted it. You know what I mean? I wanted to have it in my pocket so I could hold it whenever I’m stressed. You must have things like that. So, I put Robert back in his cage and went to get my wrench. I knew I was going to have to be careful because I didn’t want to scratch that fabulously shiny surface. I took off my underpants and gingerly put them over the nut, then applied the wrench. It took more power than I would have imagined. I pulled, strained, grunted, and “pop”, it came off! And I had it in my hand!! A glorious memento! There was one thing that I hadn’t considered though, which, with hindsight, should have been the first thing I thought of. The nut was holding back a large volume of high-pressure water. I’m writing this four hours later and it still hasn’t stopped. It’s almost worn a hole through the ceiling. I guess I could call a plumber to fix it. But, they cost a lot of money. And, anyway, it’s not my house. You should see this nut! It is incredible!
Your friend,
Kevin