Dear Steven
Have you ever tried to ride a squirrel? No. Wait. That’s a stupid question. I’m sorry. Nobody could ride a single squirrel. They’re tiny. “Have you ever tried to ride a squirrel donkey?” is what I mean. I feel that needs some explaining. A squirrel donkey is many (turns out 156 is the magic number) squirrels tied together in the form of a donkey. You put a lightweight saddle on top and off you go. It’s actually not as easy as it sounds. I’ll tell you how I did it. First, you have to get yourself some squirrels. This is the easy part. Just leave piles of nuts in your garden every day for a week and the squirrels flock to you. Then you have to catch them. I tried with tiny lassos at first. That didn’t work. Then I tried nets. That was too difficult. Finally, I hit on drugs. I drugged the nuts. I’m not going to tell you what with, because then we get into the whole “how did you get your hands on drugs like that? Who gave them to you?” line of questioning and I don’t want to go there. Suffice it to say, I was able to drug a lot of squirrels. While they were asleep, I tied them all together with string. It was kind of tricky to get them all tied and in position and it took longer than I’ d expected. I had to redrug them every now and again. Still, patience is a virtue, and I had my squirrel donkey. You would have thought it would be easy to ride, but you would have thought wrong. It was not easy. The squirrels wouldn’t stay still, and they wouldn’t go in the same direction. They ended up going round and round in circles. I hadn’t taken account of their teeth, either, It’s not that difficult for a squirrel to chew through a piece of string. My squirrel donkey that took days of planning and hours to make, ended up coming to pieces in about 4 minutes. I never even got to ride on it. And now, whenever I go outside, the squirrels throw things at me. I think I may have made an enemy for life here.
Your friend,
Kevin