Author: Threeyzmonkeys

Dear Steven,

How was your day? I made a ladder from spaghetti. I’ve been wanting to clean all the fallen leaves out of my rain gutters on the roof for ages now, but I don’t have a ladder. I thought about going to buy one, but I don’t want to spend $30 on something I will only use once or twice a year. So, I thought, why not use stuff I already have in my house? I pulled out everything that could be fashioned into some kind of ladder from my drawers and laid it on the bed. Thinking logically, I narrowed it down to socks, shoelaces, and spaghetti. I ruled out socks pretty quickly because I only have one pair and I needed to wear them. I have many more pairs of shoelaces, but if I wasn’t going to use the socks, I thought it would be unfair if I used the shoelaces. I didn’t want my shoes to think I favored the socks. Obviously! That left spaghetti. There I hit on the first of two problems: I only had 200g of spaghetti. When boiled al dente, it is quite strong, but not strong enough to make a ladder out of. I was going to need a lot more spaghetti. The second problem was that when I wound the spaghetti into ropes, it just slipped loose. I was going to have to let it dry. My mission began. I went to the supermarket and bought 40kg of spaghetti. I carried it home in a wheelbarrow. Then I set to boiling, winding, and drying. It took two more trips to the supermarket and 5 days, but I made my ladder. It was strong and it reached to the roof! Impressed? I was. I set it in the garden, climbed to the roof, realized I didn’t actually have any rain gutters, smashed the ladder up and watched TV.

Your friend,
Kevin

Dear Steven,

I had an incredible urge to see how many M&Ms I could fit in my mouth today. Do you ever get those feelings? Something you just have to do? Like when you just have to buy only black shoes every day for a week? Or when you just have to go to Tanzania? So you just go? Do you know what I mean? Well, this was one of those feelings. I just had to do it. So, I bought twenty of those little bags. I didn’t think I’d be able to fit in more than three or four, but it’s better to have more and not need them than to need them and not have enough. Am I right? … … drumroll … … Eight!! Yes, you heard me right! It turns out I can fit eight packs of M&Ms in my mouth at once! Eight! I bet that surprised you. It surprised me too! I couldn’t close my mouth but they stayed in. I had this thick chocolatey drool running down my chin. It went all down the front of my new suit. Ruined it. But, eight packs! Nobody else in the bank seemed as excited as I was. Maybe it was because I couldn’t talk properly. I just kind of groaned at people with chocolate pouring out of my mouth. The security asked me to leave in the end. I never did get the loan I went in for. Oh well. Still, eight packs!! I bet you couldn’t do that!

Your friend,
Kevin

Dear Steven,

I finally got around to putting the wheels back on my rollerskates. I think you were right. They are much easier to use when they have wheels on. And they don’t scratch the floor as much. Not that it was my floor. I mostly used them at the supermarket. Anyway, the wheels are back on now so I can rollerskate everywhere. Which seemed like a really good idea. But, as you probably know, I live at the top of a hill. I opened the door and – whoosh – I was at the bottom of the hill. If that ice cream truck hadn’t been there, I don’t think I ever would have stopped. So, then I had to get back home. I couldn’t skate. That’s just not possible. No one can skate uphill. At least that’s what I learned at school. In geography class. But, they did teach me what to do in the case of fire. Drop and roll.  So I did that. I dropped and started to roll uphill. But that’s hard. I lay on my back instead and wriggled. It’s lucky I was down low because several trucks drove over me. Left shoulder blade, right shoulder blade, left shoulder blade, right shoulder blade. It took me three days and nights but I made it to the top of the hill. Turned out it was the wrong hill, though. I took a taxi home.

Your friend,
Kevin

Dear Steven,

I bought some milk this morning. I wanted to have cornflakes. I got one of those cartons. You know the ones? It’s a box of milk. But it’s not square. It’s rectangular. And you know how I feel about rectangles. They make me feel really uneasy. With their one side being longer than the other. Idiots. So, I had to walk back to the shop and buy another carton. You know how I feel about buses, too. I put that carton next to the first. But it still wasn’t square. So, I walked back and got a third. Now it was square, but like a flat square, not a cube! I walked back again. It was starting to get dark. The shop I like is two hours away. I bought three more cartons. But that didn’t work. It was a flat square on one side and a two thirds square on the other. I walked back to the shop. The sun was coming up again. It was nearly breakfast time. I had nine cartons now, and I made a perfect cube. I taped it up tight with duct tape, just in case. You never know. Then I realized I’d ruin the cube if I had any milk, so I had toast. It was good toast. And that was today.

Your friend,
Kevin